Ten Weeks. ? !

10 Weeks. 10 Weeks? 10 Weeks! Ah, such mixed emotions! 5 weeks ago, I looked at my calendar and came running to Tony in a panic. "We only have 10 weeks! Someone made a mistake. I don't know if it's me or the Dr." so I recaculated again, counting on my fingers.."March, April, May...." I flew back to the calendar and realized i had written the weeks wrong. Somewhere between the last week of August and the First week of September, I had jumped from WK 25 to WK 30! Imagine my relief!...but now I'm there, and I can't recalculate.

So many people ask me if I'm excited...yes! no! maybe so! If I knew how things would work out after the baby comes it would be better. What do I worry about? Things I should not..finances, parenting, finances, music lessons, fin..an... But then I'm reminded that it will work out...I just wish ABBA wasn't so secretive about the 'how' of it all.
But there's more, As long as he stays inside, I can keep him safe, I can keep my job, I can let parenting responsibilities be someone elses. Selfish worry.

You know that moment that comes when for the longest time you've been simply feeling him move, then that magical moment happens and you actually feel HIM! You gently cradle your hands around the hard area...for all you know you're cradeling his butt! You know where he is, you apply gentle pressure and giggle when he moves, or kicks back. He's not just a bubble popping, or fluttering wings, he is now a weight, an unseen object. Tangible, but for a layer of muscle.

I can play with him, I can interact with him on a certain level...and I can still protect him. As long as he's inside me, I don't have to worry about the big bad world out there. He's safe, he's happy, he's healthy. I guess it's the mama bear practicing her protective insticts.

Then I realize that to keep him inside...even for the most noble of reasons...isn't what's best for him. If I keep him inside, he won't develop beyond the baby he is now, he won't learn to love and be loved, he won't progress into the man whom God designed him to be, He won't know his purpose, much less fulfill it, and he wouldn't know Jesus on a cognitive, relational or intellectual level. And then I tremble to think of all the other painful moments where I must choose either to protect him or to do what's best for him.....

And that's where GRACE comes in. Grace for each day, each decision, each moment. God will be faithful to us as we do our best to raise this little one for him. I know that. As my dear SIL said, you take it one day at a time and make the best decisions and choices you can. Then as Paul said...forgetting those things which are behind and looking forward to those things which are ahead, and trusting a merciful God to make up the difference.

So, yes, I'm excited, I can't wait to see what he looks like. To hold him in my arms and suckle him at my breast (sorry if that's too much info, but that's what they're there for!) I can't wait to see if he has hair (Please God, let him have hair!) Can't wait to see his smile and look into his eyes, too teach him to sing, to pray and to love. I can't wait to introduce him to Jesus. I can't wait to see life through his eyes.

I can wait to wipe away a tear of pain from his chubby cheek, I can wait to see him learn the difficult lessons of life that I'd rather protect him from, but will shape him into who he's meant to be. I can wait for all the uncertainties. I can wait to see....so I guess that's why it happens one day, one moment at a time. And while I'm waiting for those inevitalbe and heart-wrenching moments, I'll wait on the LORD, be of good courage, He'll strengthen my heart and in waiting hopefully I'll gain the wisdom I'll need when those moments occur.

So, on a lighter note, my glucose test went well...they said no news is good news and I have no news, so I guess that's good news. The worst part about it was the brain freeze....do they really have to almost freeze the stuff and then give you 5 minutes to drink it?!

I've started piano lessons again...Music with Julia... had my first (and only) 3 students today. I'm trusting God for more... and it was fun. A sweet mother with 4 children under the age of 9. I'm giving lessons to 3 of them~ two boys and a girl. Praying I can show the love of Jesus as I teach them.