So the recurring question has been; "If you were in the crowd...." Five years ago I would have identified with those in the crowd who applauded Jesus' every miracle. I would have been the little boy (girl, in my case) who brought his 5 loaves and 2 fish to Jesus. I would have been the poster-child. I would have been one of those who sat at Jesus feet, whole-heartedly hearing and agreeing to everything He said. I wouldn't have run away, like the others. Go ahead, applaud me~ that is, after all, the right answer. But is it gut-wrenchingly honest?
Five years later~ surrounded by people who look nothing like me, as far as appearances (or should I say 'standards') are concerned. People who don't have the same pre-concieved notions I do. Don't share the same nuances, doctrinal definitions, mindsets, ideals, ect. as I. Good, God-fearing, christlike people. It's just that for the first time in my life, I've been taken out of everything that looks like me and identifies with me. I'm not on a pedestal, real or imagined. I have the liberty to mess up, admit failure, and here it is... a "YES, but" spirit. It's made me really search out who I am and why I do what I do. When no-one cares why you do something or that you do something, would you still do it? When no-one has an expected answer, would you answer the same way? If no-one else adopted this ideal, would you? Go ahead, say 'Why of course!' ~ it feels good, doesn't it, to have it all together. It's the pedestal we're on. Don't look down, it's a long, long way to fall. And when I'm not on a pedestal, I think I saw myself truely, honestly for the first time.
Some will probably say she's lost it, she's become just like them, she's been drawn away; and thus mourn the decline of 'holiness' in my life. So, with what I'm about to say, fear not my friend. I haven't lost it~ my relationship with Jesus is still intact, (and thriving, if growing pains are any indication) I hope I'm becoming less like people and more like Jesus, and I believe I am in the process of becoming more holy, more Christlike. But to do that; I must first be completely honest with myself; in the deep places no-one sees. At the foot of my pedestal I must answer questions that are hard to ask and harder still to answer because the gut-wrenching answer may tear off my blinders and open my eyes to a not-so-perfect me. But answer I must. And honestly.
So, back to the question at hand: If I were in the crowd, who would I be. Well, I find myself identifying with two people:
The Pharisees and the Rich Young Ruler. Now, take a deep breath, regroup, and let me explain.
Think of the religious leaders you look up to~ those good people who spend their lives in the Scriptures and have given their lives to preserving our spiritual heritage. The live a cut above the rest because that is what they have been called to do in living as an example and leader of the people. They are Pharisees in the purest sense. It just so happens that the Scripture the Pharisees of old studied was the Torah~ the Law. So without the benefit of knowing Jesus as we know him, all they could see was someone who was threatening the very foundations of what the believed and had built their very life upon. They were good people, doing the best they know, caught up in the glory of their 'cut-aboveness'.
Why do I identify with them? I study the scritptures. I like to think I have a pretty good grasp on them. I'm analytical. Althought I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am slow to readily believe what someone says. I'm don't look for reasons to dis-believe; I look for reasons to believe. But I look first. I know what I believe and believe what I know. I glory in the 'cut-aboveness'. Pride? Perhaps. Pedestal? Definitely. I am so thankful that Jesus let me be born after Him. If I would have grown up with the Pharisees as teachers, I'm not sure I would have seen Jesus for who he was. (Unless, of course, Nicodemus was my mentor). So, that is who I would be in the crowd then~ But for the grace of God.
Why then, the rich young ruler? His was the 'YES, but' spirit. Yes, Lord, I've done all of this, but do you really want me to do THIS too? This isn't my pedestal, this is the ground beneath the pedestal. In my head, I know the right answers. Sometimes I feel like I was on a pedestal for so long, my eyes were blind to what my heart really wanted- there on the ground beneath- because in my heart, and especially when no-one sees~ I want my own way. I was afraid to look down, it's a long, long way to fall. That YIELD sign is a little wobbly. The gut-honest truth is too many times I try to stamp down that twinge, ignore it, that still small voice that cautions me against that thing that no-one will ever know about. At the foot of the pedestal, Jesus isn't ALL I need, or even want. I want what my heart wants. It's about me, about my lack of willingness to go all in. When I'm on the pedestal, I know the right words to say. But on the ground beneath, I find my heart and my mouth don't always match up. Is this evidence against the reality of Entire Sanctification in my life?
This pedestal thing~ it's probably the most difficult obstacle in the life of a child who grew up loving Jesus. "You don't know how much I look up to you". Don't look down. "I wish more teens could be like you" Don't look down. I'm the Music Teacher in a Christian School. Don't look down. I'm a Parent Don't look down Thank you for staying the way you are when everyone else has changed. Don't look down . Don't look down. Don't look down.
I have to fall from the pedestal, even if I'm the only one who know's I've fallen. I have to get gritty and gut dirty honest with myself. Brokenness. Crushed beneath the weight of others, and my own expectations of what I need to do to have 'arrived'. Dashed against the rocks of reality. Blinders ripped of, anguished eyes finally opened. Vivid imagery? Well, it hurts to fall, even when no-one else sees. But fall I must and fall I will, most certainly. It's too hard to live on the pedestal. The ground beneath is harder still. So I will go away sad.
And in my going away sad, I'll bump into the Cross. Somehow, it's there everywhere I turn. His cleansing blood will flow over me, and I know, with that blood-grace, my "YES, but" will turn to 'Yes, LORD'. My crushing will have effected his cleansing. My breaking works His healing. My rocks of reality open my eyse to His reality. And there I've found my answer. GRACE. as long as there is enough grace for each moment to be YEILDED~ that is Entire Sanctification. Look down on me all day long, because that means I'm kneeling at the foot of the cross.
Now, don't misunderstand. I know people will (and do) appriciate me, people will (and do) look up to me. My challenge is to stay kneeling. There it is. Blunt. Painful. Ugly. Honest.
Since you've taken the time to labor through the book~ I guess it's my way of clearing my mind and thinking clearly~ I shall reward you with the pride and joy of my life.......
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